Seeking

There has been a lot going on in my life spiritually, and I’ve been wanting to write about it in a safe space with no pressure. I’m not sure if I’m ready to delve into the nitty-gritty of all that I’m going through, but suffice it to say I’m very conflicted about where my spiritual journey is headed. Where am I going? I know I am only 24 (almost 25… WOW), and I have a lot of life left to live, and I know my journey never truly stops, but I have don’t a lot of reinventing myself in terms of my spirituality. I mean, I grew up in various protestant churches, with a splash of Catholicism, and then I separated from the church after high school and moved to Paganism. Then I began exploring Judaism. That’s a lot of spiritual exploration in 7 years! But what I’ve noticed is that my core values and beliefs about the Divine have not actually changed very much going through all three religious movements. What has changed is how I connect with the Divine and what holidays I celebrate.

I have always believed in a power greater than myself. That has not changed, no matter what religion I identify with. I also believe that there is Divinity in all  things. Nature is part of that Divinity. I’ve always felt that we are all connected by something bigger than ourselves. I call that the Divine, others call it God, or The Creator. Some feel it as an awareness of the vast infinity of the universe, that we are just little ants on a hunk of rock in a huge universe we have yet to explore. I think my concept of the Divine is a way for me to express my acknowledgement of my smallness (just a little blip in a giant universe) and the acknowledgement of our interdependence with our world, our environments and societies. I see Divinity as a gender or a person, although it can sometimes help to personify the Divine in an attempt to understand/process what goes on in our world. But I feel in my heart that the Divine is simply too big to to keep in boxes like that, and ultimately it is beyond an intellectual understanding.

I have a lot of questions about life, about good and evil, about suffering and about peace. I look to my spiritual path for guidance. Sometimes I get answers– sometimes those answers change case by case. Sometimes I get answers in places I didn’t expect. Sometimes I don’t get answers at all. But I’m not even sure the answers are the point– the important thing is the asking, the seeking. That’s how you connect with your world, through curiosity, through reaching out and asking, “What are you? What am I? What are we together?”

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