After putting Judaism on the back burner I felt an almost immediate sense of relief. Honestly, it’s hard spending most of your time defending your spiritual decisions, and although it was fulfilling I don’t think I was fully ready to take that on. So when I finally gave myself relief I had this burst of energy. I wrote a song, a chant, and wrote a poem for my prayer book! I’m not ready to share anything yet, because part of me is really self conscious about my creative works, but just getting it on paper is a big deal for me. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that I’m not perfect,so not getting it right the first time I put pen to paper, having to revise or do more than one draft infuriates me and prevents me from starting a lot of creative projects (including blog posts). That’s probably why I have so many half finished short stories in abandoned notebooks, and also why I have so much yarn and yet no handmade hats or scarves to my name at the moment (I knit and crochet). The truth is that I have a hard time enjoying the journey– I’m all about the destination. I want things to get done and I want them done right. and that can really interfere with my learning because I get tunnel vision on the destination and I don’t explore. And if I hit an obstacle I give up in frustration.
When I wrote these songs the words really just spilled out of me at the beginning, and it felt good to just let my feelings flow and commit them to paper. But the poem was hard. It didn’t come out the way I wanted it to, and I have to do revisions. And I think I’m okay with that, at least for today, because I really want to practice more patience with myself and maybe if I do it will be worth it and I’ll create something truly memorable.
I’m also trying to be more prepared for the upcoming Sabbats. Lughnasadh is in what, two weeks? And then Mabon (the same day as Yom Kippur) and my absolute favorite: Samhain. I know, typical. I can’t help it, it’s just such a fun holiday, and I’m able to more easily incorporate my family traditions with Samhain than I am with almost any other holiday except perhaps Yule (because, Christmas). I’m so juiced for Samhain I’m already planning my ritual feast and eagerly awaiting the day when we can redecorate our family altar for the occasion. It’s going to rock.
So yeah, I’m feeling really good about my decision.