I went to the wls seminar hoping that it would help me make a decision on whether or not I want to get the surgery. However, I left feeling just as conflicted as when I arrived. I think the issue for me was that I was waiting for someone to tell me point blank that getting the surgery was either the worst idea in the world (too risky or unsafe), OR tell me that it was my best choice and that everything would turn out okay (perfectly safe). I’m not afraid of being in pain, I’m not afraid of putting in the work. I’m afraid of dying either during or immediately after surgery. That’s my biggest hang-up. I was waiting for someone to tell me I wouldn’t die. Because the whole point of me getting this surgery is to use it as a tool for health, so I can live longer than I would if I stay on this current path I’m on. What if I get the surgery and a week, or month, or year later my pouch leaks or ruptures or something and I DIE? After all that work to get into the surgery program, to lose the weight and change my relationship with food, and my body kills me anyway? That’s terrifying to me.

Later I talked to my grandmother and she made me feel better. I know that there are people out there who get the surgery and regret it. But I’m hoping I’m not one of those people. I decided to call my doctor and ask her for a referral to the bariatric surgery program. She sent it in, and I have to get some tests done (including a pap smear, WHY), and if they think I’m a good candidate I’ll begin to take their pre-op classes on nutrition and meal planning and preparing for a post-op lifestyle. We’ll see how the classes go, and if by the end I’m not 100% sure then I won’t get the surgery. I don’t know when I will find out if they have accepted my referral, but as soon as I get the news I’ll be sure to post it here.