Plan A and Plan B

It’s the end of August and I have not finished my series on 31 Days of Paganism. To be fair, I had some technical difficulties with my account and my phone so I ask for forgiveness and patience. I’m totally going to complete the challenge, even if it’s a bit late. But I wanted everyone to know!

Also, just an update on my wls journey– I got a call from the Kaiser bariatric program in Richmond. I’ve officially received a welcome to the program and my orientation is on the 10th. It’s  a four hour appointment, so I’m taking the entire day off from work just to be on the safe side. After the orientation I’ll schedule a consultation with a surgeon, and they will determine if I’m a good candidate for surgery. Then another appointment with the nutritionist, and a psych evaluation. After that, probably a bunch of other stuff. I don’t yet know the details, but I’m sure they’ll go over it all at the orientation.

When I got the call, I couldn’t believe it! I was so shocked that I actually got accepted to the program, maybe because in the back of my head I was still thinking all those things that society says I am– just too lazy, not working hard enough, doomed to be fat forever. Why would they allow me to even dream of this surgery? And then I thought, wow. I must be really fucked up if they actually think I need it. Because I’m supposed to be ashamed, right? Because this is the easy way out, right? But then I was like, NO! I can’t think that way anymore. This surgery, it can change my life for the better. It can be an amazing tool for my health. I’m scared, but I also still really want to go for it. I end up missing a lot of things because I’m too scared to do them. But do I want this for the right reasons? Sometimes I don’t know. For instance, I often think about my “goal weight” for after surgery. Sometimes I think that I would just like to lose 100 lbs. I would still be overweight, but 100 lbs off my body would mean I would be able to be so much more mobile! I keep thinking of all the things I could do, pain free. Without getting totally winded 10 minutes in. Without feeling completely defeated. I know it sounds like a lot, but 100 lbs really isn’t (I think it’s actually pretty realistic for weight loss surgery results– and I wouldn’t be skinny, but I would be healthier).

But sometimes I get wrapped up in the thought of weight loss, and I start to fantasize, and I take it too far. There is still a part of me that wants to be as thin as possible, even if it’s not healthy (and also probably impossible). Now, there are people out there who weighed as much as I do or more who are now like 130, 140, 150 lbs. And that’s amazing, but those results aren’t typical, and might not even be healthy weights for me– and yet I still think about what it would be like to be that small. And then I think, if I can get to 130 surely I could get to 120, maybe even 115. That is the eating disordered mind at it’s worst, because first of all there is no way I could get down to that weight at all, let alone in a healthy way, without restricting/fasting and totally fucking up my metabolism. And second of all, I know that even if I did reach that weight I would be unhappy because I would be so focused on weight and food and I would be completely lost in the eating disorder.  I don’t want that. In fact, I want to get as far away from it as I can. I want this surgery because I think that it’s the tool I need to be healthier, and if I follow the program like I’m supposed to, no only will I gain health, I will gain confidence. That’s what I really fantasize about the most– being a confident woman who loves her body at any size.

So I have to be really careful and intentional about this whole thing. I am still in recovery for my eating disorder– that is my burden pretty much for the rest of my life. I’m not letting that get in the way of my happiness or my health.

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