Yesterday I went to my first “appointment” as part of the Kaiser bariatric surgery program. It was four hours long (yes, you read that correctly). It was the beginning of a long road filled with appointments and tests and “holy shit” level lifestyle changes. I got a lot of information from those four hours (and I also got a binder filled with all that info, plus more, and I have to bring it with me to all of my appointments), and from what I can tell, Kaiser has a really REALLY strict program. I’ve been following other bariatric patients on their blogs or on instagram, and it seems like they get to eat a lot more things than I will get to eat. Maybe that’s because they’re program says it’s okay, or maybe they’re not following it to the letter, but either way they’re losing weight. So I’m a bit…. disappointed? The list of foods I can eat is on two and a half pages in a 40 page binder. Basically my whole life on two and a half pages. because yeah, right now my life revolves around food.
Bariatric surgery is no fucking joke. It is a hardcore change of lifestyle, and you CANNOT go back to your old ways because it could literally make you sick. But I feel like the way my life is now, I’m already making myself sick. And I want to not be sick anymore. I know it’s going to be so very hard to change my habits and really make this work. But I want it pretty badly, I want to change, and I think I need it– I’m at the point where I’m realizing that the way I treat my body, even as I have sort of recovered from my eating disorder, is not something I can maintain anymore without serious repercussions. I don’t want to get to that place of no return, you know? So, even though it’s really scary, I think I’m still going to go through with it. I’m going to go ahead and get the surgery (I don’t know which one yet, but I will be getting one). I’m still really scared to even think about it, but I feel like that’s the anxious part of myself, the one that keeps me from taking risks and living life to the fullest. And I don’t want to be ruled by that part of myself anymore.