The Lonely Witch’s Samhain Fun Night

This year’s celebrations are not going as planned. Typically every year we do what we call a Harvest Feast at our house (less pagan sounding than Samhain Feast for our non-pagan friends and family). We cook a nice meal, invite people to bring their own food, and we play Halloween music and socialize. It’s really a combination of a few different cultural traditions– for instance, people dress up in modern day costumes (a secular Halloween tradition), We have an altar for our departed loved ones (Dia de los Muertos) where I put a plate of food out for them (Samhain) along with soul cakes (Christianized Samhain?).

This year, we won’t be having a party. My wife is working, so I’ll be home alone. No one to celebrate with. So what am I  gonna do?

HERE’S THE PLAN:

  1. I’m gonna cook a meal anyway, a meal for one (which is really a meal for two/three/four since I’m on this preop diet and can eat so little).
  2. I’m gonna put some food out on the altar. Because the spirits don’t need a party.
  3. I’m gonna light candles and do a mini ritual to usher in the holiday.
  4. I’m going to watch my favorite Halloween time movies: Hocus Pocus, Halloweentown, Disney’s version of Icabod Crane and the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, and Practical Magic.

Yes, I will be alone, but that doesn’t mean I can’t a fun, meaningful holiday.

Suddenly I See

I’m still pretty shook up by the psych evaluation. And I’m really scared that I won’t be able to get the surgery. That being said, I do feel like I’m ready to step up and do this. I took a day to be upset (chocolate may or may not have been involved). But the very next morning I restarted the preop meal plan. I am fucking COMMITTED. I went to the grocery store, bought compliant proteins (roasted chicken, beef, deli meats, low fat cheese), and a bunch of veggies that I can cook in batches really quickly. All of my meals are planned in advance and are scheduled evenly throughout my day (no snacks). I bought a kitchen scale so I can accurately measure my proteins (because really, can I trust myself to eyeball 3oz of chicken?), a tape measure so I can keep track of my body’s changes, a food journal so I can track my meals. I’m so fucking ready. I even bought myself a fitbit, which I’m super excited about. I can’t wait for it to get here!!!

I still have some stuff to work on, and it’s only been a week and some change since I gave myself the restart. I am having a really hard time getting my starches and fats in. I’m supposed to have a serving of each at every meal, but so far I’ve only had starches with lunch and dinner, sporadically I’ll add the fats serving (and by fats I mean like butter, oil, avocado, mayo, salad dressing– not the naturally occurring fat in cheese or meat). Also, eating is now totally boring and kind of a chore. I have to chew at least 30 times for each bite (more if it’s meat), and so for each bite I’m counting to 30 in my head and it takes forever to finish a meal. And I have to eat the protein first, which is my favorite part. I used to save my favorite parts for last. Now I have to eat them first, which means I have nothing to look forward to at the end of the meal. AND, I can’t drink anything during the meal! Not even water! I can’t drink anything for 30 minutes after (this is to prepare yourself for post-op life, where your pouch is too small to hold food AND water). It just seems very tedious. Maybe that will change once I get used to it, once I’ve solidified these new habits.

I’m on day nine, and yes, I do feel hungry most of the day. However, it’s not really because my body needs more fuel, it’s because I enjoy eating and I miss doing it more often and with more gusto. I’m finding it hard to not concentrate on my next meal, the head hunger is so real. However, I don’t feel dizzy, overly tired or like I’m starving. So, even though it’s hard, I think I can get through it. But I’m only in my second week– get back to me on day 30 and I might tell you a different story.

I’m literally trying to take this one meal at a time. Every compliant meal is an accomplishment. I’m focusing on that so I don’t obsess over how hungry I feel.

Sometimes it’s hard being human

So.

I went on my honeymoon to Disneyland last week, just came back on Monday night. It was tons of fun, Kourtney and I had a blast. I started Tuesday morning totally happy because I was coming back from an amazing vacation.

I also had a doctor’s appointment Tuesday morning. It was my psychological evaluation for the Kaiser bariatric program. By then end of the appointment, I was holding back tears.

I don’t want to go into all of the details of what happened. Dr. said at the beginning of the appointment that it was going to feel like an interrogation and he was absolutely right–  I felt like I was on trial. Everything bad I’ve ever done seemed to come up. My vacation weight gain (two pounds. I wasn’t surprised.), my stint in the eating disorder treatment program, my past binge eating, my food restriction, my alcohol intake (which I thought was pretty tame, but from the way he reacted you would think I was an alcoholic). We have a huge list of behaviors we’re supposed to abide by and things we’re supposed to eliminate from our life, and I have been trying to work on them a few at a time: taking small bites, chewing 30 times before swallowing, eliminating carbonated beverages, eliminating snacks, only eating three meals a day, eating my protein first. I’ve obviously not done everything all at once, but I thought I was going at a pretty good pace, changing so many behaviors. I was so so wrong.  Continue reading