It’s been just over a month since my psych appointment and my preop diet restart. So far I’ve lost 20lbs and inches across the board, which is nice to see (not gonna lie). I learned at my weigh in that if I want my weight to reflect the goal I’ve achieved, I have to lose just a bit more over goal– I typically weigh myself naked to get an accurate reading, but obviously I have to wear clothes at the doctors office! I weighed my clothes that day and let me tell you, it all adds up. Anyway, I’ve been mostly sticking to the plan, with some exceptions. It’s been okay overall.

Just kidding, it’s super hard and I have to take it day by day. It’s a really restrictive diet– I have to weigh all of my food, document it in my log. That alone takes some commitment. But beyond that, it’s just hard to not obsess. I feel like I am thinking about food all the time. What am I going to eat for breakfast, what am I going to eat for lunch, is this protein permitted on this diet or is it too high in fat, is this an acceptable starch, when is lunch, should I wait 30 more minutes before dinner, blah blah blah. I feel like food is just totally all up in my face these days and I hate that. I feel like it runs my life right now. I also feel like, because of that train wreck of an appointment last month, that I have something to prove. I have to show this asshole that I can do this. And that’s a lot of pressure. I feel like my life is in his hands, because this is a life changing surgery and he decides whether I move on to the next phase. I don’t even get to meet with a surgeon until this guy clears me TWO MONTHS FROM NOW. And I don’t even think he cares! He told me that he would email me every month to check in and remind me to do my weigh ins– I haven’t heard from him since our appointment. I honestly don’t think he actually believes I can do this, and honestly I think he is intentionally trying to set me up for failure.

As you can see, I’m still holding quite a bit of anger from our previous interaction. But beyond the anger is fear and grief. I’m grieving the fact that my timeline for this process is destroyed and my path is now uncertain. I fear that I will not get this surgery, and I fear that I will fail. So I have to take it day by day. Every time I have a good day I celebrate it, and every time I have a bad day I do my best to stay positive. And yes, I’m still having bad days– I will never EVER be rid of bad days. I don’t binge, but I’ll have a snack when I know snacks aren’t part of the diet. I do great on weekdays but weekends it feels like I’m hungry from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night, it’s maddening.

Anyway, one month down and two more months to go. I have 30 more pounds to lose before my next appointment, so 15 each month, and it’s holiday season. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but it’s a dieter’s worst nightmare. Pray for me.