Well, I didn’t have my appointment with the surgeon.

I had to reschedule. With the holidays at my job, I just didn’t feel that I could afford to take anymore time off (I’d been sick twice already and had to take time off for that). So I had to reschedule. Now my appointment is with a different surgeon (don’t know if it’s good or bad, I haven’t met any of the surgeons personally). My appointment is on the 29th. I know, right after Christmas!

I’m feeling pretty okay about it, though. November was really rough and honestly I fell off track with the preop diet, with Thanksgiving and Thanksmas and the ramp up of the holidays (read: major stress) I lost sight of my goals and I went with was was comforting and familiar. I kept gaining and losing the same 3lbs for the whole month November. However, I’ve really recommitted myself to this diet. I’m really trying to make it a lifestyle change so that means I’ve had to change a few habits. First, I’ve learned to say no when people offer me food of all kinds (doesn’t matter what it is). Secondly, I’ve become better at meal prepping so I have my breakfast, lunch and dinner planned and cooked at the beginning of the week which makes it way easier to 1) say no to people and 2) stick to the plan. And lastly, I’ve learned to be flexible and not panic when I DO pick food outside my meal plan. I don’t totally self sabotage– if I end up eating some pad thai at lunch with my coworkers instead of that chicken I have in my lunch box, I don’t let that totally derail my day. I accept it as it was, add it to my fitness pal app, and move on. Before, I would panic and feel so guilty, and that would just lead to more bad choices (emotions would take over). Also, I’m making better choices when faced with food outside the meal plan. I’m staying away from the dessert table, I’m picking proteins and healthy fats instead of loading up on carbs. I’m feeling really positive about the whole thing.

I think it helps that I’m losing weight consistently, though. Even if it’s just .4lbs, it’s gratifying to see my hard work pay off that way. I worry that if I see a gain after a good food day I’ll get discouraged and try to self sabotage (since that’s my M.O.) so I’ve been doing a lot of self talk, repeating to myself that the scale does not tell the whole story and that this isn’t just about weight, it’s about health. I will not be making the goal of 50lbs I set for myself to make by January 6th. However, I have lost almost 30lbs since October and I consider that a win. I hope this surgeon does, too.

Side note: I bought a fitbit Aria scale. I’m worried that it doesn’t work properly, because I’ve been consistently losing weight according to this scale which of course can’t be true because I feel like I look and feel the same size (denial?). I’m slightly terrified that when I get to the doctor’s office on Tuesday and they weigh me I’ll actually be the same weight I was in November. I don’t know how to let that feeling go.