My appointment with the surgeon went well. He was impressed with my progress and told me that I was healthy overall and could pick either surgery. He also gave me a weight goal (which was the weight I was at already) and told me that he would like to see me lose more but to at least stay at or under that weight. I’m really excited about that last part because that means I don’t have to lose 50lbs like I was previously told, and it also validated me a bit because although I’m trying to stick to this pre-op diet I’m still trying to learn new behaviors and it’s fucking HARD. I wouldn’t need this surgery if eating 1200 calories a day were easy for me. So when the surgeon told me he was impressed, it felt good to hear and it took a bit of the overwhelming pressure off of me to be the perfect patient who sticks to this diet 100% of the time. That doesn’t mean I can be lax, it just means I can give myself relief when I mess up.
Anyway, he told me that as far as he was concerned I was ready to go, but I still needed the psychologist to clear me. So he scheduled me for the 19th of January with Dr. Z (and I’ve talked about my experience with him before). Instead of going to that appointment, I freaked out and rescheduled it the day before I was supposed to show up. I was just too scared. My previous experience was just super negative and traumatic, and I personally don’t think he’s a very good psychologist. I think he was actually quite cruel, and it makes me wonder how he got a job working with such a vulnerable population. Anyway, I was so nervous and afraid of seeing him again that I bailed. I rescheduled the appointment for the 4th, which is on Thursday. My anxiety is through the roof now– heart palpitations, restlessness, chronic fatigue. My weight has been up and down in the past month (see my grief in the previous post) and so I’m feeling very vulnerable and afraid that he’s not going to clear me even though I’m at the goal set by the surgeon. I have no idea what happens if he doesn’t clear me. Do I have to go through the program again? Will they let me? Or am I like banned for life? What does that mean?!
My insurance is through Kaiser, and they have two facilities that offer bariatric programs. I’m currently in the Richmond program because that’s the one my doctor assigned me to (probably because it’s closer than the Fremont program, although it still takes me 30 minutes to get there). If I want to do the other program, I would have to start from the beginning, meaning I’ll have to do the orientation again, meet with a new surgeon and psychologist, and that would also mean my timeline shifts– I might not get the surgery done this year. But part of me thinks it’s worth it to switch if I have such a negative interaction with someone who is supposed to be in charge of my health care.
I’m truly afraid that this appointment is going to be a total shit show. And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if that happens.