I wrote this a month ago and never published it. So these thoughts are a little dated:
So, my second appointment with the psychologist at Kaiser went well. Our appointment was short and to the point, and at the end of it he told me he was impressed with my progress and immediately scheduled me to meet with the case manager meaning he approved me for surgery. In fact, I met with the case manager that day, that’s how serious he was about me meeting with her! My appointment with her was a bit longer, and we went over the preop test I had to complete, talked about vitamins and exercise, and then she scheduled me for my surgery.
My surgery date is March 2nd!!! I can’t fricken believe it. I wasn’t expecting to get a date when I walked into kaiser on thursday, I really wasn’t. I was expecting that the psychologist would tell me I had more work to do, and maybe tell me to meet with the case manager in a month. So things are suddenly moving really fast and I’m excited, but also scared and nervous and a bit overwhelmed. I have to take two more preop classes and do lab work and a physical before the surgery, but March will be here before we know it. I’ve never had surgery before (except dental surgery when I was 15, where I was put under for a few hours) and although the mortality rate is low it’s not nonexistent. I don’t want to die. I just needed to say that out loud. So getting this surgery is a risk for me. Also, I don’t like change. I hate taking risks, even when good things come with it. So I’m scared about going under the knife, so to speak. I’m also worried I’ll get the surgery and then regret it because it’s too hard– it’s a big fucking commitment and I’ve heard from people who’ve gone through with it and it can be a struggle EVERYDAY. And I won’t know how it will be for me until it happens. I’m scared about complications, recovery time, pain after surgery…. and as a person who has struggled with an eating disorder for a long time, I’m also mourning the loss of my trigger foods (sugar, carbs) and mourning the loss of the old behaviors that comforted me even as they hurt my body (binging and restricting). I can’t do those things anymore, and even though I’ve been in recovery, knowing that those behaviors will be even more dangerous post-op makes me realize just how hard I will have to work so be healthy and STAY healthy.