March 2nd, 2016.

That’s the date of my surgery (see previous post). I’ve decided on the vertical sleeve gastrectomy (the sleeve, or vsg), and I’m feeling all kinds of feelings. As I get closer and closer to the surgery date I get more and more excited, and although I’ve had some anxiety about it (and who wouldn’t, it’s surgery!) I’m also hopeful about the future.

Things I’m excited about: getting down to a healthy weight so I can start having kids. Possibly being able to cross my legs for the first time since high school. Buying clothes that aren’t marked up 300% simply because they’re plus size. BUYING CLOTHES ON CLEARANCE THAT ARE ACTUALLY CLEARANCE PRICE (Plus size girls know what I’m talking about). Anything over $10 CANNOT be considered clearance, Torrid. Also, stop selling poorly made tops for 50 bucks, okay? You’re a real douche for that. Anyway, back to what I’m excited about. I’m excited to be more active, to be able to maybe keep up with my wife who leads a very active lifestyle. I’m also kind of excited to just take up less space, which I know is a sad thing to be excited about. That’s the ED part of my brain that thinks I don’t deserve to take up space in this world. But also maybe I’ll be less conspicuous. It’s hard being black AND a woman AND gay AND fat. Too much fucking minority status there, too much oppression for one body, something’s got to give. And I can’t just stop being black, or a woman, or gay. So….. here we are.

But I’m also kind of sad about losing weight, too. I’m sad because being fat is not actually a bad thing, it’s society that’s the problem.I have spent a long time hating my body, being at war with it (at many different sizes). But as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to love myself, at least a little bit. Enough to have hope for my own future, enough to learn that it’s okay to be me. Not just okay, actually. It’s great being me! I can’t imagine being anyone else. But now I’m going to be changing in a real big way, and it’s shaking everything up again– I’m just so hyper aware of my body and it’s place in this world and it’s hard to be in that place because it feels like I’m very vulnerable. This is going to be a big change, a transformation. Am I ready for that?