In the last two weeks I’ve become really obsessed with numbers. The numbers on the scale, my BMI number, how many weeks it will take me to get to X weight, now many inches I’ve lost, how many calories I’ve taken in…. numbers numbers numbers. I’m getting obsessive in a way that I haven’t in a long time, and part of me is getting a little worried. But there is another part of me (or part of my disorder) that is excited, that feels happy and hopeful. If you’ve never had an eating disorder, you won’t understand. It’s just too weird for most people to wrap their heads around because it’s an excitement over hurting yourself! I would you want to be miserable all the time when you could be happy? I can’t really answer that. And I’m trying to fight it. But the disorder that takes up space in my head? It’s trying to buy more real estate and losing weight, having a smaller stomach, it’s a CHALLENGE. How can I turn this opportunity into maximum weight loss, it says. How can I turn this into a reason to restrict? How far can I make this girl go?
It’s really hard to separate myself from the disorder because it sounds like me. It sounds like me making plans to restrict myself as much as I can after the effects of the surgery start to wear off and I’m alone again. It sounds like me calculating the weight I would need to get to in order to be classified as “underweight” according to BMI. It really sounds like me thinking, Just let me get to that weight, and then I promise I’ll bounce back– I just want to prove that I can do it.
I just want to make one thing clear: I have a rational mind. I know that this type of plan is 1) dangerous to my health and 2) totally unattainable, regardless of weight loss surgery or fasting. My body is not meant to be at that weight. I will never be skinny. That’s not why I got this surgery! But now that I’ve had it, I’m SO TRIGGERED by it. I find myself on Bart sometimes fantasizing about that number. It’s so special to me. It feels like I hold it in my heart. I’m walking around in this world trying to be normal but I carry it with me everywhere and it speaks to me, encouraging me, taunting me.
I have a rational mind. I know that this is a problem.
Maybe this is just a phase and once I get past it, I will be able to focus on healthy weight loss and my real goals– hiking, having kids, being able to keep up with my niece and nephew, having a long and healthy life free from chronic disease. I’m hoping I can fight the disorder and get past it. Maybe it’s just my hormones going crazy since the surgery. I don’t know. Also sometimes all I want to do is just graze all day on food, so maybe that’s to counteract the fasting and I’ll be okay.