I know. I said I would write about Pesach and Beltane like two weeks ago. I truly was committed to that, I promise. However, life has been…. hard. I had a really great time at the Passover Seder I attended and I did really want to blog about it because it was so fun and made me that much more committed to converting to Judaism. It made me want to learn more, to DO more. But every time I logged onto wordpress to write, I just couldn’t muster the brain power to put my thoughts into words.
I’m just really tired. And all my energy seems to go into food and exercise and post-surgery concerns. I feel like that’s something I’ve been talking about a lot here and I worry that it’s too much of one thing. I feel like I’m losing focus on what I really want out of this blog, but also I have just generally been feeling disconnected to spirit lately. It feels like I’ve been blocked, like spirituality is just on the other side of the glass door, I can see it before me but the door is locked and I can’t get to the other side. Honestly, post-op life has been taking up most of my time. Logging my food, weighing my food, prepping my food, avoiding food that’s not on my post-op list, thinking about the food that’s off-limits but oh so delicious. Making sure I walk at least 250 steps an hour (my fitbit tracks that now), making sure I hit my step goal, making sure I take a 30 minute walk EVERYDAY. And when I’m not doing these things, I’m thinking about them. When should I eat breakfast? How many calories do I have left for today? Should I eat dinner and THEN take my walk, or eat dinner AFTER my walk? Did I make my water goal? (No, no I didn’t). How many grams of sugar are in this? Did I burn more calories than I ate today?
It’s kinda exhausting. I find myself making lists to calm the anxiety that this provokes. I’ve created a workout chart that says what my exercise goals are for each day, including my step goal, my walk, my workout and my stretching (I want to be able to do the splits again, so I’ve made that one of my exercise goals). I make my meal prep lists which include what I’m eating, how much, and the calories for each meal. Making lists makes me feel like I’m actively working towards health, like I have a plan to reach my end goal. It just feels less chaotic. Also, the act of writing the list is very calming, kind of like when you crochet or knit– you have all these things you need to include that are the same every time, just like each row of a crochet project. You just do what the pattern tells you to do. With lists, I know that I need specific things to be included, and I just follow a general outline, filling in the blanks. I enter calories, I enter my specific stretch routine, I enter my protein goal, whatever I need to until my list is complete, nothing has been left out. And I feel accomplished.