Well. It’s been awhile.
Clearly I took an extended hiatus from writing on this blog. There are a lot of reasons and excuses for doing so, which I’ll lay out here for my own sake, but let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter why I stopped writing, it only matters that I stopped. One major reason was because I just didn’t feel well enough to write. And when I say that I mean emotionally well. Every time I thought about writing on this blog, just the thought made me feel just drained and exhausted. I love being able to “put my thoughts to paper” so to speak, but I felt like I had to present my best self, my best writing (what even is my best writing???), telling stories that were meaningful and made me feel important. But I wasn’t my “best self”. I didn’t know if what I had to say was meaningful, and I wanted this blog to make me feel big when I was feeling small.
When I first started blogging in college my goal was to put to words everything in my brain that I needed to get out. I had all of this creative energy bouncing around in my body and I didn’t know what to do with it, and I had hoped that by writing it down and sharing it I could both make space for other things but also somehow connect with people at a time when I was feeling isolated and alone. I didn’t want to go out into the physical world and interact on a regular basis because it was scary, but connecting on the internet felt like a great alternative. This is not to say that I NEVER socialized, I socialized often, but it was often emotionally draining and anxiety-provoking. I thought, maybe people will find me on here and I can make meaningful relationships without leaving my house. And then suddenly I had a blog, and it had a theme, and I was exploring new things I was interested in, particularly around spirituality.
But my life changed, my priorities changed. I stopped feeling like this was a space for my voice to be heard. I mean, who was reading this blog anyway? I felt like I was in a desert yelling and wondering if anyone could actually hear me. How far did my voice have to travel for me to be heard? And honestly it was a bit demoralizing. But that’s on me– I’m not promised an audience just because I have a blog. And is that the only reason to have a blog? No. If I truly want a larger audience, then clearly I need to do things a bit differently to achieve that desired result– and I’m not sure I’m willing to put in that work yet because I’m not sure that’s even what I truly want.
So I’ve been staying away. But now things have changed.
I got pregnant. I had a baby.
I’ve been dying to write about these new experiences, and not a day goes by without me thinking about trying to get my thoughts and feelings and recent memories written down somewhere– although as I have been thrown into the chaos of early parenthood, finding time to do this has been very difficult.
So I’m back. And I’m committed to getting this all written out so that I can come back and remember, and so my daughter can one day find these posts and read the the story of our family. This blog is for her.