I had surgery on Wednesday March 2nd. It went well overall, although the surgeon did find a hernia which may need to be corrected with surgery down the road. I’ve been spending the last two weeks at home recovering. Honestly, it’s not a bad recovery except being SO FUCKING TIRED. All the time. I can do many of the things I did before surgery, but I fade pretty quickly and have to sit down/take a nap. I’m pretty sure that’s because my body is only taking about 200 calories a day and 100 of those are from my vitamins.

Being home has given me time to think about my dreams. What do I want out of this life. I feel like since I’ve graduated from college I’ve been lost, not sure what my next step is, and I still feel that way now but there are some smaller goals I would like to accomplish regardless of what I end up choosing for a career. Some of my goals are not about my career at all, but just about embracing life and learning new things.

1. I want to become fluent in Spanish and ASL. I’ve also been thinking about maybe taking a Cantonese class, since it is a sought after language skills in both the medical and nonprofit sectors. I’ve always wanted to be multilingual, and I want to pass that on to my future children.
2. I want to become a craft queen. I’ve spent a loooooooong time dreaming about learning how to sew, quilt, cross stitch and embroider. Sewing used to be required learning for women which is super sexist when you think about it in context, but I actually think it should be required learning for EVERYONE. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to at least know how to fix a hem or reattach a button that’s popped off your jacket.
3. I definitely want to take a dance class. No, not a zumba class, although zumba is fun and good exercise. I want to take something like tap, or hip hop. I miss performing and working toward a goal (like being in choir working toward concert day, but with movement). When I was younger I was in color guard which incorporated dance into equipment tossing and running across football fields, but I was always self-conscious about my skills and although I would’ve loved to take dance I was worried I didn’t have the body for it. I know now that any body can dance– it’s not about size, it’s about movement (and soul).
4. Kourtney and I want to take an herbalism class together to learn more about plants and herbs and their medicinal uses. I’m not trying to replace modern western medicine (it saves lives, even if it’s a bit corrupt– but that’s not really medicine’s fault, it’s the greed of the people who run it as an industry) but herbal medicine can be used in tandem with western medicine for wellness. I think Kourtney’s into it which means it’s something we can do together as a couple and hopefully get to the point where we can maintain our own little apothecary cupboard. I also wanna learn about the more magical uses for herbs because I’m totally into being a Jewitch (I just can’t quit you, Jewitchery).
5. I want to be a Jew. For real. I’ve been casually (and not so casually) flirting with the idea of converting for a number of years now. I think I say this every year, but I want to officially convert. I just worry that maybe I don’t have what it takes. However, I often let fear run my life, and this year I’ve committed to say yes to life and start tackling my fear of failing. So this year I want to really go for it. I honestly don’t know how my life will look once I convert (obviously my marriage is and will always be interfaith, so that makes things a bit complicated) and there are some things about Judaism I have to really think about critically. I’m not going to be a regular convert. I’ve got a lot of ritual and ways of doing things that will mix with my new Jewish identity to make my own brand of Judaism which may make some people uncomfortable or confused but I can’t let their possible reactions influence what I know is right for me spiritually. So I’m going for it. I’M GOING FOR IT.

March 2nd, 2016.

That’s the date of my surgery (see previous post). I’ve decided on the vertical sleeve gastrectomy (the sleeve, or vsg), and I’m feeling all kinds of feelings. As I get closer and closer to the surgery date I get more and more excited, and although I’ve had some anxiety about it (and who wouldn’t, it’s surgery!) I’m also hopeful about the future. Continue reading →

I wrote this a month ago and never published it. So these thoughts are a little dated:

So, my second appointment with the psychologist at Kaiser went well. Our appointment was short and to the point, and at the end of it he told me he was impressed with my progress and immediately scheduled me to meet with the case manager meaning he approved me for surgery. In fact, I met with the case manager that day, that’s how serious he was about me meeting with her! My appointment with her was a bit longer, and we went over the preop test I had to complete, talked about vitamins and exercise, and then she scheduled me for my surgery. Continue reading →

It’s been a crazy few weeks at work and it’s not over yet so I haven’t been able to make very many posts here but I just wanted to say Happy Yule, from my family to yours, from my heart to yours. Many blessings to you in the coming year!

It’s been just over a month since my psych appointment and my preop diet restart. So far I’ve lost 20lbs and inches across the board, which is nice to see (not gonna lie). I learned at my weigh in that if I want my weight to reflect the goal I’ve achieved, I have to lose just a bit more over goal– I typically weigh myself naked to get an accurate reading, but obviously I have to wear clothes at the doctors office! I weighed my clothes that day and let me tell you, it all adds up. Anyway, I’ve been mostly sticking to the plan, with some exceptions. It’s been okay overall.

Just kidding, it’s super hard and I have to take it day by day. It’s a really restrictive diet– I have to weigh all of my food, document it in my log. That alone takes some commitment. But beyond that, it’s just hard to not obsess. I feel like I am thinking about food all the time. What am I going to eat for breakfast, what am I going to eat for lunch, is this protein permitted on this diet or is it too high in fat, is this an acceptable starch, when is lunch, should I wait 30 more minutes before dinner, blah blah blah. I feel like food is just totally all up in my face these days and I hate that. I feel like it runs my life right now. I also feel like, because of that train wreck of an appointment last month, that I have something to prove. I have to show this asshole that I can do this. And that’s a lot of pressure. I feel like my life is in his hands, because this is a life changing surgery and he decides whether I move on to the next phase. I don’t even get to meet with a surgeon until this guy clears me TWO MONTHS FROM NOW. And I don’t even think he cares! He told me that he would email me every month to check in and remind me to do my weigh ins– I haven’t heard from him since our appointment. I honestly don’t think he actually believes I can do this, and honestly I think he is intentionally trying to set me up for failure.

As you can see, I’m still holding quite a bit of anger from our previous interaction. But beyond the anger is fear and grief. I’m grieving the fact that my timeline for this process is destroyed and my path is now uncertain. I fear that I will not get this surgery, and I fear that I will fail. So I have to take it day by day. Every time I have a good day I celebrate it, and every time I have a bad day I do my best to stay positive. And yes, I’m still having bad days– I will never EVER be rid of bad days. I don’t binge, but I’ll have a snack when I know snacks aren’t part of the diet. I do great on weekdays but weekends it feels like I’m hungry from the moment I wake up in the morning to the moment I fall asleep at night, it’s maddening.

Anyway, one month down and two more months to go. I have 30 more pounds to lose before my next appointment, so 15 each month, and it’s holiday season. I’m trying not to freak out about it, but it’s a dieter’s worst nightmare. Pray for me.