Category: Spiritual Path

Still Here, Still Searching

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I have been trying for almost a year to write this post. Every time I sit down and try to get my words down on paper, my mind begins to spin. How can I find the right words to convey exactly how I’m feeling? To talk about exactly what has happened over the past two years? My mind wanders further– what is this blog even for? Why do I want to write? What do I want people to know?

When I first started blogging, I wanted people to see my uniqueness, and to see my value. I thought that I had something important to say, and people needed to hear it. I felt that my opinions, my spiritual journey, even the mundane everyday experiences of my life were going to be meaningful to people on the internet. And then as I began to really explore and grapple with my spiritual path and made the choice to pursue conversion to Judaism, I had a hope that the could be a space for me to talk about what it’s like to convert, and how I navigated the process. Again, I thought my story was unique and interesting, that people would want to hear about what I was doing and learning. But I think deep down I knew that I’m just one person in this giant world, and my experiences both unique and common, interesting and also so boring. What I was seeking was validation. And that really blocked me from being able to write. It still does!

But what I was also seeking was community. Even as I saw my story as “special”, I was still searching for people with similar experiences to bond with. That never really materialized with this blog, although I have had other opportunities to build community in other online spaces as well as in person. I’m hoping to start writing again, sharing my experiences here, working through my feelings as my spiritual journey continues. I’m hoping that this could be another avenue for me to build community and find more people like me! So if you’re Black, queer, and Jewish (especially if you went through the conversion process), and you’ve stumbled upon this blog, please reach out! Leave a comment! Share your experiences, or advice, or whatever. Let’s celebrate together, and commiserate together, and learn together.

A Time Apart

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2020 has been my year for full on commitment to Judaism. It has taken me so long to commit for a variety of reasons– most of them fear-based, but some simply logistical issues. When the pandemic hit the US, most of my life went online– work, social life, etc. And that has been a blessing because I now have the time to really investigate and participate in Judaism and Jewish Life. I took a class, I went “shul hopping” on zoom, I finally put a mezuzah on the front door. But the best thing I’ve invested my time in has to be Shabbat.

First of all, Shabbat is probably the one think that keeps me tethered to the concept of time, as working from home has caused the days to blur together. Is it Monday? Is it Wednesday? Who knows, but I definitely can tell you if it’s Shabbat or not! It’s a ritual that both roots me to the moment and gives me a space outside of time. Shabbat is when we light candles, say prayers, and eat homemade challah on Friday night (thank you to Kourtney for baking challot every week!). Shabbat is when we get up slowly on Saturday morning, go to Tot Shabbat on zoom and sing songs, and enjoy each other instead of focusing on all the worldly noise.

I’m not 100% observant yet. I use electronics. We cook meals. We watch TV shows together. But I am learning to define rest for myself and build on that. For me, rest means that keep my phone on but I put it on the counter for the day, out of sight. I don’t answer phone calls or texts, I don’t go on instagram or facebook. I don’t check the news. The world moves and things happen, but I stay out of it, unaware of major events until Saturday night. I don’t crochet (which I love), and I don’t write (which I also love). I try not to create anything new (besides food) until Shabbat ends.

Right now, this way of doing things works for me and my family, especially since we are an interfaith family. It wouldn’t be fair for me to demand that my wife stop cooking, or demand that no one turn on and off lights, or demand that we pre-rip our toilet paper every week (learned about that very recently, it seems like…. a lot).

Instead, I’ve reveling in the moments when Kourtney participates, the moments when Aminah claps along to songs during Tot Shabbat, the moments when we’re all celebrating Shabbat together and building a Jewish foundation for our family. I am grateful for those blessings that Shabbat brings.

Enjoying Shabbat and its Blessings

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One of the benefits of having Kourtney at home (since she works in theatre and they are not starting back up anytime soon) is that she has been baking constantly. Last week she made apple pie, blueberry cheesecake, and puff pastry with strawberries. This week we’ve been eating strawberry shortcake, broccoli and cheddar pasties. But my favorite new tradition is the challah she makes every Friday, from scratch.

Kourtney is not Jewish, but she loves me, and loves creating new traditions for our daughter, so she has really jumped into weekly challah baking. And beyond that, she’s been helping me build out our weekly Shabbat traditions with Aminah. It’s been really gratifying to now see our daughter get excited as the sun goes down on Friday night, because she knows that it’s time for challah!

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The Virtual Seder

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For the last 4-5 years I’ve been going to my friend Bekah’s mother’s house for Passover. As someone who is not fully integrated into the community and very hesitant to do anything solo, I haven’t even bothered to try a Seder myself– why would I when Irene’s is already so great? And If I did host a Seder, who would want to come? I don’t know all the rules! I don’t know all the customs! I’m still learning!

Well, this year has thrown a bit of a wrench in my plans of continuing the tradition of leaving it to the practiced Jews. All of California is still under a shelter in place order because of the coronavirus pandemic, and even without the restrictions, most people would be loathe to leave their house when we all seem to have a risk of being infected or spreading the virus to others. How lucky it is, then, that we live in a time where we don’t have to be in the same room to gather together and celebrate? This year we’ll be celebrating Passover via Zoom!

This of course means that we all have to set up our individual houses ourselves, which I have never done before and to be transparent I am not at all prepared to cook dinner and set up my house in a way that is kosher for Passover. Despite my love for Judaism I have been slow to make my life completely Jewish. If I’m being honest, fear is mostly driving this. I don’t have a firm foundation to build my own Jewish identity on– none of my family is Jewish, I was raised in a fairly traditional Christian household, and I know few Jews that I can lean on to teach me how to be a Jew. Add onto that the fact that I’m queer and Black, and I just haven’t met a queer, Black Jew by choice who can share their experiences with me and make this process feel less scary…. it feels like my true desire, to feel like I belong in the community, is just beyond my reach.

It’s not that there are not people out there who are kind and open and willing to welcome me in. There are such people, I have met them, they are all very nice. But it’s hard to trust that the welcome is real, and not just a nicety, like when you and a friend say “We need to hang out more, let’s meet for dinner sometime!” but neither of you will actually follow through. It’s something you say but don’t really mean. I often fear that it’s all talk when someone invites me to come to Friday night or Saturday morning services, and if I actually take someone up on it they’ll backtrack, “Oh sorry, you wanted to come this Saturday? I can’t, sorry….”

So what does this sudden change in venue mean for me? On the one hand, I feel totally unprepared, and I worry I won’t be able to do this holiday justice. When Kourtney went to the grocery store today for supplies, the only remotely Passover-related product she could find was whole wheat matzo. Because we have no car, she had to bike to the store, and had no room in her bike bags for romaine lettuce (for the bitter herbs). I’m too much of a novice to make my kitchen the level of kosher it needs to be for this holiday, and when I looked online for Seder plates I couldn’t find any that could be shipped in time (April 23rd is not going to cut it this time, Amazon).

On the other hand, being able to do this in the comfort of my own home, without being worried that people are watching and determining if it’s Jewish enough. When they’re watching through a screen they only see what I want them to see, and there’s a lot of freedom to that. I don’t have to get everything ‘right’. I may not have the matzo I want, but it’s better than no matzo at all. And it turns out that you can substitute potato for romaine as the bitter herb (it’s doesn’t quite make sense to me but I’m willing to roll with it). And if I don’t have a Seder plate this year, that’s okay. That just means I have time to find one I really like for next year’s Seder. Maybe next year I’ll even go further and try out this African American Seder plate setup I found online (God bless the internet). Who knows? Maybe I’ll give myself permission to find my own Jewish identity without fear of doing it wrong or making mistakes.

Times for Prayer

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I have a ritual for when I travel by plane. I’m usually pretty relaxed as I’m waiting in the airport (I’m always 2 hours early even though I know an hour would probably suffice), and I’ll eat a snack or watch a movie on Netflix, chat with my wife or play the ABC game (My name is Alice, my wife’s name is Arlene, we live in Albany and we like to eat Almonds!). I wait patiently to board, hand the attendant my ticket, find a good seat and get comfortable. And then before we take off, before we’re asked to put our phones in airplane mode, before the attendants go over the safety procedures, I clothes my eyes and I pray. I pray to whoever is listening, whoever is out there keeping watch. I pray for a safe flight and a peaceful vacation. I pray for my family, that they stay safe while we’re apart, and I pray that we all are blessed with long and meaningful lives. I know that it might not change anything and that even with my prayer we could still crash or someone in my family could get hurt while I’m away, but I don’t feel safe on a plane if I don’t do this ritual before we take off.

Prayer helps to reduce my anxiety. It’s like, if I push my fears and my hopes out into the universe that maybe the Divine will hear it and maybe decide I’m worth saving or protecting. Or maybe if I pray for courage or wisdom or patience that by simply putting that out in the universe I will be more mindful and remember patience when I’m stressed or courage when I’m scared. Sometimes I pray for answers, like when I first started to realize my senior year that I had a crush on Kourtney and I didn’t know what to do about it. I prayed for months and was looking for a certain answer that I never got. I was certain that the answer to my prayers would be stay where you are, what you’re feeling isn’t real. But every time, the answer I got was Go! This is your chance! Do not squander my gift to you. It took me awhile to really receive that message and take it to heart. Nine years later and we’re married and getting ready to start a family. But I’m not always looking for the Divine to give me an answer to a question– most of the time I ask for peace or protection. There have been many times when I’ve been suddenly very anxious about dying, usually right before I fall asleep, and I feel the panic begin to rise within me. When I was little I used to get out of bed and knock on my parent’s bedroom door, crying about death and what ifs and my parents would tell me that when we die we go to heaven. I would be skeptical but would accept this answer because all I really needed was assurance that death wasn’t scary so I could fall asleep peacefully. I still get panicked about death as an adult but instead of calling up my parents I pray. My prayer is simple: Please god, don’t let me die scared, and don’t let me die alone.

And believe it or not, it makes me feel better.

Rules That Make Sense to Me

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New rules I’ve made for myself because I’m weird:

  • When listening to music while walking, I can’t check my steps until the song is over
  • When walking  at the end of an hour, I cannot stop walking until I reach the next hour (so if it’s 2:57pm I have to walk until 3:00pm, no exceptions).
  • I have to walk at least 250 steps an hour from 9am to 7pm.
  • If I don’t make my step goal before it gets dark out, I have to pace around my apartment until I reach/surpass it (I don’t like walking outside in the dark because I fear a raccoon will attack me).
  • I cannot eat breakfast until after 10am, and I cannot eat lunch until at least 4 hours after I finish breakfast.
  • I have to take at least 30 minutes to finish a meal.
  • I have to take no more than 1 bite of food per minute when eating until I reach 30 minutes.
  • I cannot drink Smooth Move tea during the week, only on weekends (for obvious reasons).
  • I try not to eat anything after 8pm (this is the hardest habit to establish for me at the moment).

I’m sure that my coworkers and clients think I’m a little nutty because you can find walking every hour to make my step goals, back and forth from one end of the hall to the other, sometimes reading a book and sometimes just walking with determination, counting steps under my breath to make sure I reach the goal.

The Spiritual CAN Influence the Mental

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Getting back into Shabbat was the best choice for me last week. I know I have yet to fully experience it as a true converted Jew, but even observing it in the small ways I did was not 4274418_origonly meaningful but also something my mind really needed– a time for rest. I made a commitment to go through the blessings, light the candles and bless the food, but also to stay away from my phone for just the night. It was totally worth it.

Right after work I went to the grocery store to buy my dinner (rotisserie chicken– perhaps this week I’ll make my own chicken in the slow cooker?) and get some grape juice since I can’t drink alcohol. Let me just say, it’s so nice being able to get off work at my regular time, be able to stop by the store and still get home before it’s time to light the candles. In fact, I had enough time to get home, prepare the meat for my weekend meals, do some dishes, and get the table set for myself. Of course I loved the ritual of it all, it felt really good to be a part of something bigger and older than myself. I could just imagine all the other people in the world doing the same thing I was doing, saying the same blessings around the same time and it made me feel like I was a part of something really cool. Continue reading →

Book Haul for March

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As I said in my previous post, last week I made a spontaneous trip to Berkeley to visit Kourtney at work. While I was waiting for her to meet me, I found myself wandering into the bookstore down the street. Now, I love my kindle and I use it often, but there is just nothing like reading from an actual book. I’m kinda excited because I think I got a pretty good haul for books about Judaism and Jewish life. Continue reading →

Living While Phone-less

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Last Friday my iPhone was stolen. It was a real bummer. I have no idea who stole it, and there’s no way to find it at this point because I had to erase all of its data so all my personal stuff wouldn’t be compromised. At first I was just kind of shocked  that it was gone, then I had hope that maybe it was just misplaced, or that it would turn up again soon– maybe I would find it’s hiding spot, or a good Samaritan would find it and bring it back to me. No such luck. And unfortunately I was foolish enough to decline insurance, and I’m 8 months into a 2 year contract, which means I have to buy a new phone at full price. Of course, I don’t have that kind of cash right now, which means i’m phone-less until my next paycheck– next Friday. So yeah, two weeks without a phone.  Continue reading →