Post Op Update

I’m 3 weeks postop with my sleeve. I’ve lost 23lbs since surgery, 52lbs total since I started the preoperative plan that Kaiser put me on (real food everyday, just smaller portions). I’ve gone down three sizes in pants, a trend which will hopefully continue for awhile.

Those are the facts that most people want to hear about weight loss. But there’s more to this processes than just weight, and for me it is even more complicated because let’s be honest– I have an eating disorder. I say that because although I’m not as symptomatic as  I was when I went into treatment 7 years ago I still am affected by eating disordered thinking and I struggle with that everyday, much like how people in AA call themselves alcoholics when they introduce themselves in meetings, knowing that everyday they have to deal with their addiction and are affected by it even if they don’t drink. I’ve had to stop weighing myself everyday because I’ve been obsessing about how much I lose and it really affects how I show up in the world everyday. Not losing enough each day makes me agitated, and a stall– well, let’s just say I do my best not to lose my shit, but it makes me want to stay home from work and cry a little. So I’m really trying to nip that in the bud. Continue reading

Dreams to Realities

I had surgery on Wednesday March 2nd. It went well overall, although the surgeon did find a hernia which may need to be corrected with surgery down the road. I’ve been spending the last two weeks at home recovering. Honestly, it’s not a bad recovery except being SO FUCKING TIRED. All the time. I can do many of the things I did before surgery, but I fade pretty quickly and have to sit down/take a nap. I’m pretty sure that’s because my body is only taking about 200 calories a day and 100 of those are from my vitamins.

Being home has given me time to think about my dreams. What do I want out of this life. I feel like since I’ve graduated from college I’ve been lost, not sure what my next step is, and I still feel that way now but there are some smaller goals I would like to accomplish regardless of what I end up choosing for a career. Some of my goals are not about my career at all, but just about embracing life and learning new things.

  1. I want to become fluent in Spanish and ASL. I’ve also been thinking about maybe taking a Cantonese class, since it is a sought after language skills in both the medical and nonprofit sectors. I’ve always wanted to be multilingual, and I want to pass that on to my future children.
  2. I want to become a craft queen. I’ve spent a loooooooong time dreaming about learning how to sew, quilt, cross stitch and embroider. Sewing used to be required learning for women which is super sexist when you think about it in context, but I actually think it should be required learning for EVERYONE. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to at least know how to fix a hem or reattach a button that’s popped off your jacket.
  3. I definitely want to take a dance class. No, not a zumba class, although zumba is fun and good exercise. I want to take something like tap, or hip hop. I miss performing and working toward a goal (like being in choir working toward concert day, but with movement). When I was younger I was in color guard which incorporated dance into equipment tossing and running across football fields, but I was always self-conscious about my skills and although I would’ve loved to take dance I was worried I didn’t have the body for it. I know now that any body can dance– it’s not about size, it’s about movement (and soul).
  4. Kourtney and I want to take an herbalism class together to learn more about plants and herbs and their medicinal uses. I’m not trying to replace modern western medicine (it saves lives, even if it’s a bit corrupt– but that’s not really medicine’s fault, it’s the greed of the people who run it as an industry) but herbal medicine can be used in tandem with western medicine for wellness. I think Kourtney’s into it which means it’s something we can do together as a couple and hopefully get to the point where we can maintain our own little apothecary cupboard. I also wanna learn about the more magical uses for herbs because I’m totally into being a Jewitch (I just can’t quit you, Jewitchery).
  5. I want to be a Jew. For real. I’ve been casually (and not so casually) flirting with the idea of converting for a number of years now. I think I say this every year, but I want to officially convert. I just worry that maybe I don’t have what it takes. However, I often let fear run my life, and this year I’ve committed to say yes to life and start tackling my fear of failing. So this year I want to really go for it. I honestly don’t know how my life will look once I convert (obviously my marriage is and will always be interfaith, so that makes things a bit complicated) and there are some things about Judaism I have to really think about critically. I’m not going to be a regular convert. I’ve got a lot of ritual and ways of doing things that will mix with my new Jewish identity to make my own brand of Judaism which may make some people uncomfortable or confused but I can’t let their possible reactions influence what I know is right for me spiritually. So I’m going for it. I’M GOING FOR IT.

Final Countdown

March 2nd, 2016.

That’s the date of my surgery (see previous post). I’ve decided on the vertical sleeve gastrectomy (the sleeve, or vsg), and I’m feeling all kinds of feelings. As I get closer and closer to the surgery date I get more and more excited, and although I’ve had some anxiety about it (and who wouldn’t, it’s surgery!) I’m also hopeful about the future. Continue reading